What Wiping My Ass Has Taught Me About Running a Startup

For the longest time, basically up until yesterday, I would take a shit and not think twice about what I was doing. I mean, literally, I would think of nothing. My mind was blank. It has been my escape from reality. My zen. The place where I can clear my mind. Where my only concern was running out of energies on Candy Mania. 

But yesterday, for some unknown reason, I decided to take in my surroundings. To be one with what I was doing. To think about the sheer amount of time I spend on the can. And, it was staggering (and dare I say, enlightening). 

It occurred to me, that on any given day, I spend roughly 20 minutes on the toilet. That equates to roughly 2.5 hours per week. Which, in all fairness, isn’t all that much. However, when you extrapolate that across a year, I spend 5 days — let me repeat that — 5 fuckin’ days per year sitting on a porcelain seat. If I live for another 35 years, I’ll have spent nearly a half year of my life playing Candy Mania. Let that sink in for a minute.  

It’s time to make some changes. 

Directional Shift

When it came to wiping, I’ve been going underneath and back to front. As a guy, I realized that this wasn’t the way it was meant to be. In addition to having to navigate around the obstructions, it occurred to me that I’ve been wiping into a wall (figuratively speaking). This is creating twice as much work. I’m cleaning the runway and the wall. Going from front to back is the way go. In fact, I believe that’s why the crack is long and tapered. Extra runway. Change is hard, but nothing worthwhile is easy. 

Startup Lesson: Question everything, even if it’s working. You may find that you’ve been running into a wall the whole time. Sometimes a new perspective can lead to greener … let’s just say a better place. 

Square Theory 

Did you know that 98% of all clogged toilets are a result of excess toilet paper usage? I actually just made that up, but I think it sounds accurate. 

Let’s be truthful, nobody uses just one square. It’s an absurd notion. And, for the longest time it drove me crazy that someone hasn’t ‘disrupted’ the toilet paper industry and come out with rectangles vs. squares (mental note: explore market potential of Uber for wiping). I mean, at crunch time, what would you rather be working with? It’s a no-brainer — or is it? 

It occurred to me (yesterday) that those clever little bastards at Charmin have been mind fucking us this whole time. They know damn well that nobody will use just one square, so they figured that rather than increase the length of the square by 2 inches (effectively making a rectangle), let’s make them take two squares, using up 25% extra paper with each wipe. Meanwhile, they’ve led us to believe that by making smaller squares, they’ve given us the power to decide the optimal length needed. 

Well played, Charmin. Good game. 

Startup Lesson: Make your customers believe that they’re in control and you can do no wrong. 

Roll efficiency 

Ah, the age old debate. Over or under. 

That debate is over, I A/B tested that shit and ‘over’ wins by a landslide. However, the real problem with either approach isn’t the roll direction, it’s the tear-off. You can fall into one of two camps here: 1. The handless quick tear, almost like a magician pulling the table linen off without moving a dish. or, 2. The steady hand. Hold the roll with one hand, tear with the other. I’ve been a steady hander my whole life. 

What I would really like to see is some easy innovation here. Something as simple as a jagged ridge, similar to the end of tape dispenser or tin foil box. Or, better yet, I’d like to see one of these TP conglomerates kick their perforation machine up a notch and give us something better to work with. 

The real key to roll efficiency is time to tear (TTT). In the A/B test, I found that hand to paper was much quicker when the paper lay atop the roll. In this case, my TTT was ~15 seconds. I found that when the roll direction was reversed, the TTT increased by an average of 3 seconds. This is primarily due to the extra effort it took to find the end of the toilet paper roll. 

Startup Lesson: Reduce the amount of friction to your customer accomplishing their goal. Time is money. 

Wipe reduction

Let me set the record straight: There is no such thing as a no-wiper. It’s impossible. What is possible though, is that you may discover that you didn’t need the first wipe. However, in order for you to determine that, a first wipe is necessary. A courtesy wipe if you will. 

If anyone tells you they’ve had a no-wiper, they’re lying through their teeth. And, you can tell them I said that. 

Overall, wipe reduction is really tough to control. It’s highly unpredictable. On a great day, you may be one wipe and out. On a bad day, it could seem like it never ends. In the business, they call that a never-ending wiper. This is the equivalent to a high-roller at the casino. It’s where the TP companies make their money. 

You’re really on your own here, it’s a crap shoot. (Get it?) 

Startup Lesson: Some things we just can’t control. Focus on areas that you can. 

If you’ve made it this far, I apologize. I’ve just wasted a bunch of your time that you’ll never get back. The truth is, every time I see an article that tries to extract lessons from some absurdly non-tangential event, I want to stab a unicorn. This was my way of saving innocent unicorns. 

If I can give you anything useful to walk away with it’s that … I’ve got nothing. 

The irony is, I came up with all of this while sitting on the toilet. Booya.