Solopreneur loss, isolation, depression and suicide

There’s a number of things that have finally led me to a place where I can share my story. This is the first time I’m sharing it publicly.

I quit the my job at an Apple retail store in Feb or 2012. This was the last time I worked as an employee and the last time that I had a stable social support system. I went into film and landed a contract with a notorious female film producer who was married to a prominent wealthy lawyer. We produced a number of documentary films for high-brow criminal cases in the legal world. I made a substantial amount of money while doing this.

Over the course of 5 years, I sold or dissolved all of my other business projects, (a recording studio, a real estate photography company, and a media company). I was traditionally a workaholic and never very social. It eventually came down to the point where I was solely working with this woman and barely spending time with anyone else. My only family at the time was my brother and mother. My mom and dad divorced when I was 1 and re-married when I was 21. I barely knew my dad and we didn’t really speak.

In the summer of 2014, I decided to pivot and finally start pursuing my core passion of app development and creating technology that will help people with personal development. I started working part-time in film (still with the same producer) and part-time pursuing my dreams. Over the next 3 years I taught myself how to code (Objective-C), released an app to the app store and learned how to market it.

In January 2015 I lost my mother to cancer. She had been diagnosed a few years before however, her death came very fast and was a shock to everyone. My brother and I flew in to be with her. We were there for only 24 hours before she passed. My father had actually been on hospice for the previous 8 months prior to my mom’s passing. She was taking care of him while sick herself. My brother took charge of taking care of my dad, I supported him. My dad later passed away on Christmas eve of the same year. I was 30-years old at the time, it was a very brutal year.

In the summer of 2016, the woman that I worked with, whom I now considered my business partner (90% of the business was ran by the two of us) started changing. Throughout the years I had witnessed her cut people off entirely from her life without warning. I had always thought that this would eventually be my fate as well. In all honesty, she appeared to be losing her mind. I tip-toed around her, trying to support her the best I could, crossing my fingers that she would not use me as a target. I finally got snared when I asked her for a payment that was over a month and a half late on the same day that she went cold-turkey on prozac. This resulted in a massive argument where she tried to manipulate me into thinking that there was something wrong with me. A couple weeks later, she sat me down in a room, expressed to me that I had ‘turned on her’ and that I was no longer going to receive the same respect or responsibilities while working for her. I wrote her a note of gratitude later that day and said goodbye. I have not spoken to her since.

It’s not all bad. Around the same time, I met the love of my life. She supported me through everything right from the beginning. I lost my best friend, my business partner and my sole source of income two weeks into our relationship and she didn’t flinch.

I postured for a couple of month determining which way I would go next. I had been saving the vast majority of the money I was making in film. I had a small fortune saved up. I eventually decided that this was a blessing and that I would pursue my dreams full time. I went all in.

When things started getting bad in film, I had a paid app in the app store with 500 downloads. When I quit film I had 9,000 downloads. Since I’ve gone full time, I have risen to over 28,000 downloads w/ a 4.8 star rating. I have close to 2 years left of runway and am producing 1/3 of the income that I need to survive. I plan to move in with my girlfriend and ask her to marry me this year.

All that being said, I have contemplated suicide many times this year. I have fell into multiple depressions. I still feel alone and am still very isolated. I have my girlfriend and my brother. I am very grateful that I have them. This letter is part of the healing process in an effort to open up to the world again after being dormant for over 5 years.

Whoever reads this, I appreciate you. I am grateful for you. And thank you for listening.