I’m a software engineer at a startup, and I’m clueless about how to get a date. What should I do?

The girls at work don’t seem to want to hang out with me. I never figured out how to user Tinder, or any of the online dating sites. I get awfully lonely at times. What should I do?


    • I can relate. I’m a front-end mobile developer, mobile strategist. Working at home for myself on my own products and with select clients the last decade, it’s really challenging to meet quality women. Once you do, then what? The window of opportunity sometimes seems small if you’re out of practice.

      I have a product idea that’s addresses this life challenge and I’m happy to report It’s getting some traction!

      I don’t want to break the rules of the forum. Are we allowed to trade emails somehow? It may be a project you’d be interested in on two fronts as well as help others in a similar boat. It’s in early alpha development.

      Hang in there! I’ll check back forum post time to time.

      contact me via twitter

      Cc the tweet @limejivelabs

    • Don’t shit where you eat. Go find a Salsa or Rueda class – there are always tons of women and very few men. They will appreciate the effort and most of the women are in great shape from all the dancing!

      Also, try Meetup.com and find a group that interests you – you’ll meet tons of people that way too.

      Good luck!

    • Men aren’t really attracted to programmer/engineer types that starts you back like 100 feet at the start of the race, and probably, that will never change

  • Use OKcupid. They have those questionnaires which really help you find someone that fits you. Imma SW engineer and got a date that way

      • I meet them everywhere; at the grocery store, walking down the street, or in a club/bar. If all you do is go to work then straight home, it’s no wonder you can’t meet any girls.

        Also, you have to have confidence in yourself. Women can sense weakness. You have to know you’re good enough for them or else they will think they’re too good for you and turn you down.

    • Wow, you guys are kinda sad. I just have to look at a girl and she melts.

      Sure they did, back on the 1st day of kindergarten, before you revealed yourself. …And it’s all went downhill from there.

  • +1 don’t date your co-workers

    If face to face flirting isn’t your style but you’re witty on paper then Plenty Of Fish or Match dot com

    Why not find a group on a local social app, CitySocialiser has a nice UI and good range of stuff to do with other people.

    It’s not that women don’t like weakness, it’s more that cowardice isn’t appealing.

    Find your comfort level and relax

  • Get a puppy. You’ll meet women when you walk the dog and take it to the dog park. You’ll have the best company one could have.

  • Getting a date is easy, want a date right away? Just DateTime.Now and you’ll get a local date in an instant. If you’re into keeping your dates simple but manageable get a date at a far away place like Greenwich with DateTime.UtcNow

    I understand dating can be stressful so you may want push a date out with DateTime.AddDays but remember this will give you a new date and not change your current date.

    Once you have a few dates, you can DateTime.Compare or DateTime.CompareTo this date. As you gain experience however, you’ll want to DateTime.SpecifyKind so know exactly the kind of dates you have.

    It’s natural to want to DateTime.Parse a date but that might lead to an error. It’s better to DateTime.TryParse or DateTime.TryParseExact that’s culture-specific and uses your own formatting style so you get an indication whether you’ve succeeded.

    Here’s a tip- if you’re ever at a loss for words, ask about DateTime.Today

    Caution: you may have signed numbers from DateTime.GetHashCode from a date but it is guaranteed to work and you may find it unsuitable for looking up a date. This is because they are derived from ValueType which may have changed.

    -shk

  • Here is what I would recommend brother.

    There is a HUGE MOVEMENT emerging right now among women developers (and non-developer women who support them) regarding fairness in hiring, pay scales, the role of women in software development, etc.

    As you are probably aware, this movement in very short order created a situation where the CEO of GitHub stepped down over simply the PERCEPTION of an issue. I personally don’t believe he should have, but that’s how big this thing is now.

    If I were you I would find some of those meetups and groups and volunteer as a resource to help them.

    You will meet more women than you can handle and you will be getting in the door as a colleague advocating fairness in hiring—Not a player shopping for a booty call.

    Good luck.

    • LOLOL. Was just discussing this with a grp of women: The tendency for some guys to join certain female-issues-focused grps as a tactic to get chicks, especially when deep down, they don’t really care about the issues. Yeah, y’all ain’t slick; got our side-eye on you. πŸ˜€

      • Ummm- dumbest idea ever. Meeting tech women to “advocate” while really being there to date will lead you on a path pretty directly to a sexual harrassent lawsuit. WTFRUT

        • Or end up in jail. Those kinds of girls will blow their rape horns for so much as eye contact (or whenever it works to strip them of any responsibility for any mistake they have made). Never.Date. A. Feminist.

          • WOW- just wow. “Never date a feminist because they blow their rape horns.”..? You do realize that this is in response to a totally manipulative suggestion that the guy pretend to be interested in feminist issues to get a date. You are just confirming all the bullshit broacracy that people accuse tech industry for. Douche

            • Not really. I would be conforming the “broacracy” if I was saying “don’t hire a girl” or “don’t date a woman”. And it’s quite the opposite actually. I’m just advising him to stay away from radicals, because they usually make up a bad dating experience and, yeah, in the case of feminists, it occasionally includes rape accusations.

              In the same way I would recommend this guy not to date islamist, christian, or any kind of extremists.

              • Yes really, why in the world would you equate women in tech- who are shamefully underfunded and trying to fight the glass ceiling to “radials”.

                Lean in, isn’t exactly a radial notion, neither is equal pay.

                Read up- women who present the same company with the exact same pitch get 40% less funding (via Harvard Research) and women get less than 5% of venture funds total.

                You should ALL be joining these women (and not because you want a date) rather than painting them as radials to be avoided.

                • Minorities just love to whine. Maybe they just have worse ideas, or worse implementations, I find it hard to believe someone would not fund a startup, or give it less resources, just because the founder is a woman.

                  Hey, I’m gay, and I could easily attribute any failure I have to that fact. But the truth is, I’m pretty sure it’s never an issue. Do you think many men don’t get less funding than they think is fair? Or are rejected in what seems like an arbitrary decision? It does happen a lot, it just so that they can’t blame it on something like their gender, their sexuality or any other trait.

                • Yeah, totally. Except this “minority” happens to be 50% of the world population, which makes the bias a more glaring issue. And of course you hard to believe the issues they face, despite tons of documentation of harassment/bias they’ve faced during fundraising.

                  And duh: you’re gay but still a male. And unlike how women are visible as women, your sexuality isn’t written on your forehead, thus even a homophobe could fund you unknowingly.

                • Right, you are not even a minority. And still you love to whine. You know why some men don’t have these problems? because they don’t whine, they act. (Although many guys are big whiners)

                  You feel the world is unfair? Challenge it! That’s why you got in this industry after all. You feel you are getting less funding than a guy? Take what you are given and turn it into a freaking success! Then you will be showing everyone that women can, and you can also start funding the projects you like, and be fair.

                  Rosa Parks could have stood up and given up her seat and then whine at the rear of the bus. But she remained seated. And she changed history for everyone. Be Rosa Parks and stop crying.

  • Match, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish. Just put together a normal profile, don’t “neg” (send stupid messages like “I bet I can do X better than you”), don’t be creepy and don’t be a dick. Assemble a nice set of pictures, talk about your interests, be genuine. The girls who join these sites (I’m one of them) mostly join as a last resort – they’ve had their share of douchebags and they’re tired of going to bars, they just want to meet someone nice outside their typical social circle. Be nice and you’re guaranteed to get a positive response.

  • OP: how old are you (+ or – 1yr to stay anon)? Would help elicit responses effective for your age grp.

    Regardless of age though, don’t understand how an engr. does not know how to use Tinder?

  • Try taking a class at a local community college or community center, or join a club to meet cyclists or joggers or hikers. (Maybe take up swimming.) Go read at a bookstore, and if someone interesting has been there by herself for a while, maybe approach her and ask about the books she’s been reading lately.

    Strike up a conversation while waiting in line at a coffee/wine/tea shop or bakery, depending on how busy the place is. (A recommendation from the menu?)

    If you have a project, ask a lady stranger for help. For example, if you need to get an outfit for a wedding coming up, or if you need to pick out a gift for a coworker. That could be an easy way to strike up a conversation without outright hitting on a woman.

  • Read “How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie. It will teach you a lot about how to develop your social skills. Because with no social skills, you may try Tinder, OK Cupid, visiting a bookstore, or a nudist camp, and nothing will work.

  • man seriously, get on youtube or something and figure out Tinder. For the amount and time and effort it takes, it’s the most efficient way to start chattin girls up

  • VOLUNTEER.

    Example:

    Sign up with your local “Team in Training” chapter, sign up for an event, and fundraise for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society. You’ll have a chance to meet women in the chapter, raise money for a great cause, get in shape, etc. You can’t lose. Also, raising money is a great chance to break the ice. You may be afraid to approach a woman for your own personal interests, but how would you feel about approaching her to talk with her about donating or getting involved with the community that you’re a part of that helps fight blood cancer? You’re not talking with her about yourself. You’re talking about “the cause”.

  • Let me give some expert advice….

    I’m a software engineer as well.

    I move to a different town, and living alone is not my style. I have my wife but she stayed in her hometown. Yeah I know, I’m such a jerk but my happiness is always first. So, i was like “How do I get laid?.” The difficult part is talking to a girl and then meeting her, i said to myself “Wouldnt it be better if they talk to me?”… And off I went to restaurants for my lunch. Waitresses were my first option and yup, going to a restaurant for a week for some reason make girsl think you are truly independent or secure…lol, when the waitress starts saying things like ” arent you gonna drink a beer this time? ” or “you are a little bit late than usual” thats your queue bro… ask her name and phone number and try not to go again to the restaurant texting excuses like “sorry, couldnt see you… too much work for today… lets grab a drink tonight..”… notice: never ask questions like “are you busy this weekend?”, “can you ask for saturday off?” nope.. never do that. Always put your plans first without asking. Ok, we got restaurants covered…. What about supermarkets?… I can see cashier girls are also hungry for co….mpany… Apply the restaurant trick but so you wont spend too much money, just buy small things like a gum, or a soda…TIP…: Always tell the girl…”Are you mad?” I dont know but for some reason this makes the girls smile…If she is really mad or she is not into you… she’ll cutoff the conversation, but if she is into you, she’d be answering like “Nope, does it look like”… and thats your QUEUE bro….btw, you can apply this with the waitress as well…Now, I know, this won’t get you a relationship or get you laid….but it is a starting point… Always have about a 100 options of girls, because at least 1 is gonna be yours….Dude lets be honest, Girls choose you, and not viceversa.

    • They say familiarity breeds lust

      Good advice on the above

      Incidentally, who’s making love to your old lady. While you are out making love.

  • Whole Foods. Just walk up and compliment someone and introduce yourself. It’s really not hard when you can get over fear of rejection.

  • The Proper Way

    I’d recommend you to learn to be comfortable on your own first. http://zenhabits.net/self-reliance

    The feeling of “I enjoy my life as it is” is super sexy and woman can sense it. Neediness is the biggest turn-off and also a very bad thing for a relationship.

    Read “No More Mr Nice Guy”. It’s the best book you can read for this.

    Start swimming every week, push yourself hard, so you’re more confident about your body (or try nerdfitness.com, pretty awesome).

    The dynamics with women is very yin/yang: if you’re in the “I want to a girl” state (push), girls rarely come to you. If you are in a detached state, things just happen. Easy to say, hard to understand and even harder to learn. Work on yourself and you’ll get there.

    As Mark Manson says, authenticity is sexy. Be yourself. This sounds very clichΓ©y, but this is extremely powerful. By that you not only attract girls, you attract the RIGHT kind of girls. By being pretentious, you attract pretentious girls etc. I haven’t read Mark’s book http://markmanson.net/books/models, but I heard it’s really good.

    This route is extremely powerful, ultimately you get to a state when you look at a girl and the sexual energies just starts flowing. Seriously.

    I consider wing chun as a great method for developing oneself (exposure to the eastern way and philosophy; and it also boosts your confidence if you know you can protect yourself) as well as understanding women better (wing chun was created by a woman and it is obvious in its principles). And as a side note, woman consider it sexy. But don’t use it for showing off, showing off is a sign of neediness and that’s not sexy (seriously do read No More Mr Nice guy!).

    PUA Shortcut

    Alternatively you can get some PUA materials. That shit works and it works pretty fast. BUT … you’re probably not attracting the right kind of women, as I noted above. So it’s a shortcut. If you want to get laid now rather than in 6 months, feel no shame in using it. But ultimately, I advise you to study the first option.

    Also, most of ONS’s sucks (and this PUA stuff often gives you ONS’s). Just for the record. No sex is better than bad sex. You get some of it and then you realise that.

    Notes

    For an awfully long time I thought I have to go to a club or to a bar. I hate clubs, I don’t do excessive drinking and I usually go to bed around 10 PM, so I can get up with sunrise. So all this night life is neither appealing nor convenient for me. When I changed my attitudes and developed myself as a person, I found out that I don’t really need that, that there’s more enough of natural opportunities around.

    This is a topic I’m really interested in. I don’t claim to be an expert, rather a fellow student. I do have some clue these days though. I encourage you to drop me an email at james at 101ideas.cz if you want to discuss it.

  • Don’t date at work. Don’t date in the “industry”. Get as far away from tech as you can. And when you go on dates (because you will, it WILL happen), don’t talk endlessly about work and startups. Don’t be “startup douche guy”.

    Sign up for an OK Cupid profile. Answer 200 of their match questions with as much self-honesty as you can. Answer every question as “strongly” as you can in regards to “importance”.

    Fill your profile essay responses with short, but brutally honest answers. Don’t posture, bullshit, or try to be something you’re not. That only leads to 3rd dates. But not 4th dates.

    Go pay for a nice haircut. Call the best-dressed person you know and ask them for some advice on how to dress nicely, and cleanly. Make sure your house or apartment is tidy enough to host your mother.

    Most of all, understand that single women are just like you. They want to meet someone too. They want to find someone that “gets” them. They’re human.

    All of this assumes you’re not significantly overweight. If your body isn’t in decent shape, fix that first. You need to respect yourself first

  • There is some good advice here concerning meeting women through hobbies and interest-related events. However, I would take it a step farther and analyze your behavior. It seems interesting that your female co-workers don’t want to hang out with you.

    If you have a female friend or relative, ask them to be honest with you and tell them if you are doing something that is alienating to strangers. Gay men are very helpful in this regard as well as are married men.

    Men sometimes put up with behaviors from their guy friends that women strangers will not. So your guy friends won’t tell you about your poor hygiene, annoying conversation habits, etc. I was friends with a kid in college who was so isolated from women that he would repeat rape jokes that he heard from his gamer friends in the workplace and didn’t understand why our female coworkers found him distasteful. I had to explain to him that a man joking about rape with women is about as popular as a white person joking about lynching to a black person.

    Are you being sexually aggressive in your speech at inappropriate times? Are you a close talker? Think about yourself unflinchingly…. Would you date you?

  • Good lord! Such a response for a topic involving girls. lol.

    On a serious note, just socialize.. join a meetup. Be confident. Things will flow.

    +1 Don’t date girls at work.

  • Don’t seem ‘lonely’ seem busy. Stay busy.

    Go to local events for things you like to do.

    Talk to women.

    There’s nothing to fear, but fear itself.

    Tinder will get you a ‘lady-of-the-night,’ type or maybe a ‘gold digger.’

    Don’t talk about your profession – talk about your passion.

    Look up Prince lyrics and listen to his songs and you’ll never be lonely again. πŸ™‚

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  • Number one advice for geeks looking for a date !

    Download “Wechat” and use the “Around me” functionality.

    You’ll meet tons of Chinese girls, who live in your country.

    Why Chinese girls ? Well. There is no “Geek” stereotype in China. So Chinese girls who grew up in China have nothing against “Geeks”. On the contrary, engineer is a good social status and playing boardgames or reading mangas is a very normal thing in China.

    Learn a bit of Chinese (few words really) and show your interest in Asian culture. You’ll have lots of potential great matches, and learn a lot about a very different culture.

    PS : I am a foreigner living in China. I give this tips to all my western geek friends.

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