I tend to find the whole fundraising process to be quite annoying. If I never had to raise money again, I’d be one happy entrepreneur. From start to finish, it seems to be a game of who can bullshit who better.
If I were playing the game straight-up, this is what I’d really like to say to investors:
- This “deck” is just a Powerpoint with a trendy name. I want you to know that I’m not green, so I’m going to use your terminology as much as it kills me inside.
- 90% of what you see in this “deck” is complete bullshit. I literally made it up.
- Our growth chart is snapshot of our best week. I’ve truncated all of our data to make it look like a vertical line.
- I spent way more time than I should have begging the press to write about us, just to impress you. That growth chart was the week we were in TechCrunch.
- Aren’t our clients impressive? We convinced them to participate by giving away the farm, just to make fundraising easier. Sounds logical, right?
- While we’re raising money, we’re making no significant progress with the business.
- I’m supposed to say I want an investor to be a partner that brings more than money, but really, I just want the money. I could care less about your feedback.
- Actually, that’s not true. In addition to the money, I’d like you to help me get more money.
- I want popular investors to invest, because I know the sheep will follow. Plus, their tweets are part of our growth strategy.
- “What’s our timeline on the round?” Seriously? Today.
- We need a decision quickly because we may close any day. This is false urgency I’m creating. You know that and I know that you know that. Can you just give me an answer so we don’t have to play charades?
- I’m not going to tell you who else is in this round unless it’s someone worth mentioning. I know that if nobody impresses you, you’ll lose interest. Why would I fall into this trap? I feel less of you for asking this question. Be a leader for fucks sake.
- We’re 80% committed. This is always inflated by at least 50%. Truth is, who knows.
- These terms and valuation are completely made up. I looked it up online and went with what everyone else said was a good place to start.
- I don’t understand a majority of the terminology, so please don’t ask me any questions about it.
- Let’s be honest, if we get an offer for $10 million, we’ll probably sell.
- If today, we had the revenue you’d like to see, I wouldn’t be talking to you right now. It’s as simple as that.
- Also, we’re raising money to be relevant. Sad truth.
Wouldn’t it be a better world if we could all just say what we were really thinking?