How to cover your ass as a young CEO

Startup CEO’s … listen up.

Last week Rap Genius co-founder Mahbod Moghadam “stepped down” as a result of annotations he submitted on his own site. Then a few days later, SnapChat CEO Evan Spiegel issued a pubic apology for emails he wrote long before he thought of making those sort of indiscretions disappear like a friendly cartoonish ghost. So far, it looks like both men managed to keep their poor judgment from turning into company-swallowing PR monsters (Donald Sterling is old).

Which got me thinking, what IS the best way to cover your ass when you’re a young, brash CEO with millions to lose?

Here’s a few things to consider:

  • Reconnect with old bros/chicks (the ones you got drunk with). Get them on your side so they don’t turn on you. Who knows, maybe they learned how to code since college and they’ll work for options.
  • Obviously, don’t show your weiner or boobs in public. Sad that I need to say this, Matt Monahan.
  • Don’t tweet when you’re drunk. Again … obviously. C’mon, Jesse and Matt.
  • Don’t let the haters talk you into a sip of hatorade. That crap is addicting and leads to a dark place.
  • If it’s not “take your spouse to work” day, don’t take them to work. Better yet, if they’re batshit crazy, consider a divorce.
  • Don’t use quotes from ‘The Social Network’ in your first print interview … or ever.
  • Dudes: If you’re well-endowed, skinny jeans might not be your thing. Not really a CEO thing, just a general rule of thumb to anyone listening.
  • Ladies: If you’re well-endowed, cleavage = kryptonite. Superman = geeks. Geeks = product. You get where I’m going. Hilary wears pant suits for a reason.
  • If you’re a racist, keep your thoughts for the next Klan meeting, where nobody knows how to record shit, even if they wanted to.
  • DON’T HIT WOMEN. Or, anyone for that matter. You’re a CEO, not a CRIP.
  • People like elephants here in the US. They used to ride them as a kid at the circus. If you shot one, you’re the devil. Period.
  • And finally, if you have an opinion … just STFU. Save it for when you’re old — like Donald Sterling.

In closing, if you don’t heed my advice and you get caught doing something stupid — don’t apologize immediately, it just looks like you’re sorry for getting caught. Instead, own up. If you must lie, blame everything on your urge to ‘disrupt’. Or, say your Twitter account was hacked by misogynistic trolls. People love that shit. 

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